HELP WITH TALKING ABOUT RAPE
This section of the TELLING web site is under construction.
For free, confidential, 24-hour rape crisis counseling, contact the RAINN hotline: 800-656-HOPE.
From Chapter Seven -- Exodus
During a conversation with the administrator of the writing program in which I taught, I reluctantly told him that I had been raped. I was, essentially, justifying my inability to meet a deadline. I felt particularly awkward because I did not know Jim well, and he was my boss. In addition, I'd already noticed the difficulty which men had in responding to this information. The silent croquet game occurred partly because the men involved were speechless.
But instead, this conversation was a door which opened into an enduring friendship. When I hung up the phone, a curious sensation of relief, almost joy, replaced the apprehension which I had felt. Jim's ability to hear me, to ask questions, and to respond had deep roots. Perhaps that is why he was able to offer me, from that day forward, exactly what I needed: a male friend willing to listen and not wish me silent; respect for what I had brought to the situation rather than a judgment about its occurrence; a loving tolerance for how I'd been harmed and an ability to appreciate the new facets in me that resulted. Therapists refer to the need for "integration," a vision of oneself which includes the traumatic event and its effects. Jim's steadfastness through the many years it took me to integrate rape helped make that possible.
It's my impression that faced with the subject of rape, men tend to scramble for a foothold. In conversations about this book, for example, I'll notice a hesitation, like an intake of breath. I've wondered if this indicates a fear that the conversation will be difficult, that it might be sexist. Do I blame all men? Will I be angry with or afraid of him? These are understandable questions, not unlike those I have when a person of color introduces race into the conversation.
Thoughtful men seem to feel a generalized sense of responsibility, but the discomfort this causes effectively deters further thoughts. A common strategy is to assign rape to a group of matters called "women's issues" which don't require male attention. At a party when the conversation turned to a series of highly publicized rapes, I noticed that all the men had left the room. It may be that men simply feel they have no role in the conversation, nothing to contribute. But clearly rape is not a woman's issue. I asked a few men to help me understand what's in the way...
